Relationships are not random occurrences, nor are they purely manifestations of your human desire/will.
They are potent vehicles for growth and transformation that are divinely appointed to meet you where you are and help you grow into your next level of being-ness.
>>>> They are Sacred Contracts. <<<<
Follow too many psychology accounts on Instagram (or listen too much to certain friends) and you may start to believe that it should be simple (not easy) to *just choose* a healthy partner. Likewise, you may start to believe it should be simple (not easy) to “un-choose" an unhealthy partner.
Be a hard no at the first sign of a red flag! Draw boundaries like you have a pHD in the subject! Your ideal relationship should be instantly “healthy.”
Friends… It’s never this black and white! (**Having said that, allow me to affirm: red flags are good to notice. Boundaries are healthy to draw.)
A REALationship is a sacred journey of becoming, a profound healing process… which can sometimes look like an utter SHIT SHOW, a clown car filled with a hundred clowns, two dogs chasing their own tails! It can be confusing, disorienting, and confronting!
Most REALationships will have some red flags; the anger issues, the way your partner shuts down and shuts you out when they’re hurting, the judgments, the addictions. (Your ego might want to run. But something deeper might tell you to stay!)
Most REALationship will have you re-examine your boundaries. Are they too lax, or too firm? Are they truly healthy, or are they how your ego protects you from real intimacy? (Your ego might want to run. But something deeper might tell you to stay!)
You will have to face ALL the ways YOU keep stuffing yourself into the clown car! YOU keep chasing your own tail!
But what better place to see and heal these things than an intimate relationship… a pristine mirror, held up to you daily, in which to see all your woundings reflected back to you? If you refuse to look, the connection will falter and fade away. Where else in our lives do we have such motivation to show up and do the deeper work?
ALL relationships are a sacred contract. They are here to help you come face to face with that which you fear and/or judge…. and return to love. Again, and again, and again.
And so, yours will not escape the catalysts for growth. And they might take on the appearance of “red flags.” They might have you questioning your well laid boundaries.
You will have to listen to something deeper than the opinions of your friends, or your favorite Instagram relationship guru.
You will have to listen to the very deepest recesses of your heart. The voice that says lean in, open up, look beyond the surface.
…Wanna hear an example from my own journey? OOOoooOO, it’s super personal, but here goes….
One of my biggest fears was anger. Also one of my biggest Judge-y McJudgements.
As a Libra Rising and Moon sign, I just couldn’t understand the need to be angry. I would do everything I could to avoid, to run away, to shut down when in the face of anger. I had angry father figures whose fire burned my heart. I would run to my room and hide in the darkness. I left that in my past and thought, “never again.” And here was my dirty diaper part: I judged it as less then.
And then I met my Aries Moon partner. Who’s very nature burned hot. Who’s first response was fire.
I called it a red flag. I said no. I drew my boundaries and stood FIRM (*ahem, judgmental as hell).
And God (as me, as him) loved me even more fiercely and would not let me run away to my bedroom…
I heard something in my heart say “stay, lean in, open up, look beyond the surface.”
What happened surprised me-- I was the one who then got angry.
The fullness of my Kali rose up within me to express itself. My Aries Moon partner had no fear of fire, and would hold his ground as I writhed and burned.
It was hard. So hard. But it was also weirdly safe. Because of the way we repaired and grew, and returned to our connection, something within me was actually healing. I was becoming unafraid of confrontation. I was getting in touch with a kind of power inside of me. I was allowed the full kaleidoscope of expression in a way I had never been before.
I was becoming a more empowered, honest, and even more loving version of me. Just the curriculum I so desperately needed.
The repair that I required invited my Aries Moon partner to come to the Libra side of life. He resisted, he pushed, he insisted on his ME-ness remaining front and center. Until something in his heart said “stay, lean in, open up, look beyond the surface.” He was asked to fully understand my side. He was asked to be the unwavering presence and peace. We would not move forward unless there was love, understanding and harmony in our hearts once again. And he answered the call.
He was becoming a more open-hearted, compassionate, present version of himself.
By listening to that something deeper, we stayed, we healed, we transformed, and we grew into better and more loving versions of ourselves (and are still growing 😜). Thank GOD we listened to our deepest hearts!
Your pathway might be similar, or totally different. Perhaps your current path is to uphold your boundaries, no matter how much your knees tremble. Perhaps your path is to walk away. Perhaps your path is to get brutally honest, first with yourself, then (less brutally so) with your loved one. Whatever your path, if you are following your deepest heart, it will be just the curriculum needed to become a more authentic version of you.
Only your heart truly knows.
Your heart knows when to affirm a boundary, and when to tear one down. The heart knows when a red flag is meant to be worked through or run from. The heart knows your sacred contract.
How do I listen to my heart, Julie??
You can start right now, by placing your hands over your precious heart, and asking, “heart, what would you like me to know today?” Then listen. Listen all day. Listen to birds that sing in front of your window, and the constriction in your tummy, and the friend that sends you a seemingly random podcast that has the perfect message for you.
Have you heard of my upcoming FREE VIRTUAL WORKSHOP?
Friends, if you’ve read this far, thank you! If you don’t already know, I have an upcoming FREE workshop on how to practice the art of DEEP LISTENING, from both a mystical and practical perspective. I’m co-teaching this with my dear friend and Relational Coach, Cathy Courtenay. It’s gonna be a phenomenal afternoon of deep connection, deep listening and more. You’ll leave with at least two new skills that will completely transform ALL your relationships (including the one with yourself!).
For more information, or to register now, click here.
Fab article ! Excited for your webinar ❤️
This is absolutely fabulous, Julie. I think I was 'pre-channeling' your thoughts when I officiated a wedding Sunday. As always, you're so tapped in. Love you!